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27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36

Evanvinh


Evanvinh

27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36 published by Evanvinh
Writer Rating: 2.6429
Posted on 2016-05-29
Writer Description: Evanvinh
This writer has written 733 articles.


Unlike most things, this week’s tweets are entirely free to consume.

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Simon Holland ‎@simoncholland

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

5:22 PM - 23 May 2016


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Daniel Kibblesmith ‎@kibblesmith

Clerk ringing up all my sodas: Wow, you must really love Dr. Pepper

Me: Yes, I do love *HER*

Clerk: GAAAASP

Me: YEAH

5:28 PM - 22 May 2016


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Jake Vig ‎@Jake_Vig

I just tolerated the fuck out of some lactose

2:23 PM - 22 May 2016


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Manda LikeCatsOK? ‎@Manda_like_wine

Let me know when Warby Parker can home deliver five candy bars for me to try on in my mouth.

11:29 PM - 21 May 2016


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Born Miserable ‎@bornmiserable

"Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet?" - me, on my deathbed

2:26 AM - 13 May 2016


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k e e t ‎@KeetPotato

slave: "there are 30,000 of us working on this pyramid, you could at least tell us what its for"
tutankhamen: "when im dead put me in there"

12:09 PM - 23 May 2016


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Sophia Benoit ‎@1followernodad

During a really romantic moment while having sex, I like to lean in and whisper, "This is just like the ocean under the moon."

4:02 PM - 24 May 2016


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the garbage shit boy ‎@davedittell

women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues

1:50 PM - 23 May 2016


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Matt Ingebretson ‎@mattingebretson

Just texted myself "u up" then responded "yes" then masturbated

3:35 AM - 24 May 2016


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Bridger Winegar ‎@bridger_w

Personally, I feel like one thing that could really improve the Netflix selection would be if I were capable of enjoying anything

12:30 AM - 19 May 2016


View image on Twitter

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Jocelyn Plums ‎@FilthyRichmond

Sanders Promises to Decorate Oval Office like Living Room from Roseanne

4:06 PM - 24 May 2016


View image on Twitter

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pauly casillas ‎@PaulyPeligroso

Her: can I see your phone?
Me: yeah, hold up.

3:55 PM - 23 May 2016


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Pony Starwars ‎@tigersgoroooar

In 5th grade at a D.A.R.E. meeting this cop was pretty much like, “if you’re high on drugs, driving a boat is cool as hell.”

11:32 AM - 23 May 2016


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Jensen Karp ‎@JensenClan88

If we're gonna attack this new Ghostbusters for ruining our childhoods, we should also address my parents' divorce

9:53 PM - 18 May 2016


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Rex Huppke ‎@RexHuppke

I hope someone remakes "Weird Science" with girls using a computer to build a boy so so the country can just burn down and get it over with.

5:42 PM - 18 May 2016


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Elizabeth Hackett ‎@LizHackett

I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.

2:27 PM - 21 May 2016


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Louis Virtel ‎@louisvirtel

Celine Dion has been exactly 42 for almost three centuries.

1:27 PM - 11 May 2016


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Poorly Drawn Turtle ‎@NoTheOtherJohn

What next, the *GIRLS* being back in town?!?

1:59 PM - 26 May 2016


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Dan Abramson ‎@danabramson

George RR Martin: “His name is Hodor & it will have grave significance”

“what do u call the tree girl”

“Leaf”

“And the dragon?”

“Drogon”

2:06 PM - 23 May 2016


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Ted Travelstead ‎@trumpetcake

Dragged back into the cutthroat world of competitive kites again, and I swear this time there will be blood.

12:33 AM - 20 May 2016


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35 cans of pepsi ‎@iloveninedollar

a turtle is basically a rock that can die

5:41 PM - 23 May 2016


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Kelgore Trout ‎@KelgoreTrout

"911 whats your emerge-"
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES

8:12 PM - 26 Jul 2014


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rob corddry ‎@robcorddry

What ice cream problem was Dippin Dots trying to solve?

12:30 PM - 24 May 2016


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shut up, mike ‎@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

9:08 PM - 23 May 2016


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John Moe ‎@johnmoe

-Did you read him his Miranda rights?
Yes, Sarge.
-His LIN-MANUEL Miranda rights?
(sigh) (puts on costume) "How does a suspect, defendant--"

9:21 PM - 25 May 2016


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josh ‎@ruinedpicnic

my hero is the Make A Wish kid who wanted to meet Matt LeBlanc and as soon as he turned up the kid called him Fat LeBlanc and died

8:02 AM - 25 May 2016


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jonnifer lopez ‎@senderblock23

"I ate my husband"

3:37 AM - 22 May 2016

   

Sources:
http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/2cd3d3edb7/27-goodest-tweets-we-scrolled-past-this-week-36?_cc=__d___&_ccid=3d068995-1d21-4acc-9e7a-ef8993f05eac

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