27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36 published by Evanvinh
Writer Rating: 2.6429
Posted on 2016-05-29
This writer has written 733 articles.
Unlike most things, this week’s tweets are entirely free to consume.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Clerk ringing up all my sodas: Wow, you must really love Dr. Pepper
Me: Yes, I do love *HER*
I just tolerated the fuck out of some lactose
Let me know when Warby Parker can home deliver five candy bars for me to try on in my mouth.
"Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet?" - me, on my deathbed
slave: "there are 30,000 of us working on this pyramid, you could at least tell us what its for"
tutankhamen: "when im dead put me in there"
During a really romantic moment while having sex, I like to lean in and whisper, "This is just like the ocean under the moon."
women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues
Just texted myself "u up" then responded "yes" then masturbated
Personally, I feel like one thing that could really improve the Netflix selection would be if I were capable of enjoying anything
Sanders Promises to Decorate Oval Office like Living Room from Roseanne
Her: can I see your phone?
Me: yeah, hold up.
In 5th grade at a D.A.R.E. meeting this cop was pretty much like, “if you’re high on drugs, driving a boat is cool as hell.”
If we're gonna attack this new Ghostbusters for ruining our childhoods, we should also address my parents' divorce
I hope someone remakes "Weird Science" with girls using a computer to build a boy so so the country can just burn down and get it over with.
I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.
Celine Dion has been exactly 42 for almost three centuries.
What next, the *GIRLS* being back in town?!?
George RR Martin: “His name is Hodor & it will have grave significance”
“what do u call the tree girl”
“And the dragon?”
Dragged back into the cutthroat world of competitive kites again, and I swear this time there will be blood.
a turtle is basically a rock that can die
"911 whats your emerge-"
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
What ice cream problem was Dippin Dots trying to solve?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
-Did you read him his Miranda rights?
-His LIN-MANUEL Miranda rights?
(sigh) (puts on costume) "How does a suspect, defendant--"
my hero is the Make A Wish kid who wanted to meet Matt LeBlanc and as soon as he turned up the kid called him Fat LeBlanc and died
"I ate my husband"
You have the right to stay anonymous in your comments, share at your own discretion.