27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36
Tags: USA
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #36 published by Evanvinh
Writer Rating: 5.0000
Posted on 2016-05-29
Writer Description: Evanvinh
This writer has written 733 articles.
Unlike most things, this week’s tweets are entirely free to consume.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
Daniel Kibblesmith ✔@kibblesmith
Clerk ringing up all my sodas: Wow, you must really love Dr. Pepper
Me: Yes, I do love *HER*
Clerk: GAAAASP
Me: YEAH
I just tolerated the fuck out of some lactose
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Manda LikeCatsOK? @Manda_like_wine
Let me know when Warby Parker can home deliver five candy bars for me to try on in my mouth.
Born Miserable @bornmiserable
"Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet?" - me, on my deathbed
slave: "there are 30,000 of us working on this pyramid, you could at least tell us what its for"
tutankhamen: "when im dead put me in there"
k e e t @KeetPotato
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
During a really romantic moment while having sex, I like to lean in and whisper, "This is just like the ocean under the moon."
the garbage shit boy @davedittell
women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues
Matt Ingebretson @mattingebretson
Just texted myself "u up" then responded "yes" then masturbated
Personally, I feel like one thing that could really improve the Netflix selection would be if I were capable of enjoying anything
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond
Sanders Promises to Decorate Oval Office like Living Room from Roseanne
pauly casillas ✔@PaulyPeligroso
Her: can I see your phone?
Me: yeah, hold up.
Pony Starwars @tigersgoroooar
In 5th grade at a D.A.R.E. meeting this cop was pretty much like, “if you’re high on drugs, driving a boat is cool as hell.”
If we're gonna attack this new Ghostbusters for ruining our childhoods, we should also address my parents' divorce
Jensen Karp I hope someone remakes "Weird Science" with girls using a computer to build a boy so so the country can just burn down and get it over with.
Rex Huppke
Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.
Celine Dion has been exactly 42 for almost three centuries.
Louis Virtel @louisvirtel
Poorly Drawn Turtle @NoTheOtherJohn
What next, the *GIRLS* being back in town?!?
George RR Martin: “His name is Hodor & it will have grave significance”
“what do u call the tree girl”
“Leaf”
“And the dragon?”
“Drogon”
Dan Abramson @danabramson
Ted Travelstead ✔@trumpetcake
Dragged back into the cutthroat world of competitive kites again, and I swear this time there will be blood.
35 cans of pepsi @iloveninedollar
a turtle is basically a rock that can die
"911 whats your emerge-"
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
Kelgore Trout @KelgoreTroutWhat ice cream problem was Dippin Dots trying to solve?
rob corddry
shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
-Did you read him his Miranda rights?
Yes, Sarge.
-His LIN-MANUEL Miranda rights?
(sigh) (puts on costume) "How does a suspect, defendant--"
John Moe @johnmoemy hero is the Make A Wish kid who wanted to meet Matt LeBlanc and as soon as he turned up the kid called him Fat LeBlanc and died
josh @ruinedpicnic
jonnifer lopez @senderblock23
"I ate my husband"
Sources: http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/2cd3d3edb7/27-goodest-tweets-we-scrolled-past-this-week-36?_cc=__d___&_ccid=3d068995-1d21-4acc-9e7a-ef8993f05eac
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